Etiquette for Exes

Vote Tomorrow

2008-11-03T16:29:00.001-08:00

Make sure you vote tomorrow. If you are undecided still then you haven't been paying attention. Make a choice and vote.

It's Been A Long Time

2008-11-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been too long since I last posted here. This blog just never really took off.
My exes and I still get along fine as long as we don't talk about money. Isn't that always the case?
Child support is still something one of them has a hard time coming up with but he's working on it.
If you read this blog please leave a comment so I know there are still people out here.

Who has your back?

2008-03-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

My daughter is at an age where she is a little dramatic to say the least. I don't know where she gets it from but she sounds like she is 25 rather than 5. My ex, her father, came by to pick her up the other day and she did not want to go with him. She was being demanding and crying. He reprimanded her and asked me to back him up. I did as soon as he asked me and I'm a bit ashamed that I didn't do it before he asked me to. I was flummoxed because we hadn't really faced this before.

My ex and I have not parented together. Our daughter was not even a toddler when we split up so aside from sharing diaper changes and feedings we didn't have to work together where behavior was concerned. I think our daughter has figured this out.

Had this behavior occurred when it was just me and the daughter I would have acted appropriately. Having my ex there made me less inclined to do so because it felt as if he and I were ganging up on our daughter. Of course we were doing no such thing and in fact had I been more in tune to the situation we would have been parenting the way we are supposed to.

Computer Crash

2008-03-20T09:28:00.001-07:00

My computer crashed. Please go to Redhead Ranting to read about my experience with Hewlett Packard customer service.

I will not likely be able to post here until this is resolved. Check on redheadranting for updates. Thank you and if you have any experience with crashed computers and customer service please let me know. Jen

Negative comments

2008-03-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Years ago when my son was two or three years old I was frustrated with his father. I don't recall what I was frustrated about but I let it slip in front of my son that I thought his father was a jerk. Oops! What a huge mistake. My little boy took me to task over it. He said that I was not allowed to call his daddy names and that I should have a time out. Out of the mouths of babes.

How right he was. I slipped. I goofed. I messed up. It was over 12 years ago but I still cringe when I think about it. How I hurt my little boy by calling his father anything less than wonderful. I never did it again. He put me in my place very nicely thank you.

When couples split it is easy to get wrapped up in the arguing and hurt that each other is causing. This should never be express to the children no matter how young or old they are. By making negative comments about your ex you are making negative comments about your child. Or at least that is how you should think about it. The child is half of both parents and at the earlier ages they identify solely through there parents.

Instead of running off at the mouth save complaining about an ex for times when you are alone with a friend. When with children it is important to tell them how wonderful their other parent is even if you have to gag to say it. You don't even have to believe it but your kids do and will. And remember, there was a time when this other person meant the world to you too. They do have great qualities they just happened to be masked by all the bickering. In time these qualities will show themselves again and are always there for the child.

Custody and child support

2008-02-28T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have full custody of my kids, legal and physical custody. I have this because my children were both under a year old when I was divorced. Both of my exes pay child support based on their income at the time of the divorce. Both have had increases in child support due to the cost of living going up. Usually about $11.00 per month every other year. I am grateful for the support they pay and have never asked that their income be checked to see if it has increased. I know it has increased substantially for both. Of course my income has increased as well since I was not working at the time of either divorce. I feel the amount they both pay is fair. There is no way I could live off of the child support alone. I have to earn 4 times what I receive in child support to live.

The laws are changing in my state to now consider both parents' income when determining the amount of child support. Also considered is how much time is spent with each parent. If, for example, the children spend 50% of their time with one parent and 50% of their time with the other then child support should be a moot point and eliminated. This is how it is supposed to go.

I know of one couple that does not have child support. They split the time with the kids and pay for what they need when the kids are with them. They also split all other expenses. Theirs was not an amicable divorce but they have managed to be fair to one another in the financial aspect of their divorce. This practically eliminates all arguments between them.

I know of another couple who also split the time 50/50 but yet the father still pays a substantial portion of his income each month to his ex wife. Theirs was also not an amicable split and they have not been able to agree on anything since the breakdown of their marriage. If they do communicate it is negative.

All other couples I know fall somewhere in between. Except for the one couple above no one is ever happy with the arrangement. Everyone seems to think that they were treated unfairly. There must be a better way to support the children. I don't know the answer but money is such a hot button in most marriages and divorces.

One of the problems for instance is that in my son's school I was the responsible party. The bill was in my name and if it wasn't paid it was reported on my credit history. This is also the case for all medical bills. My ex, very generously, paid for all school. He wanted our son to attend a private school and since I could not afford it and he could he paid for it. He did not have to do this and I am lucky to have such a great ex and my son is lucky to have a dad who thinks that his education is the most important thing. There were a few times when the payment was late and the school would call me. They knew of the arrangement but because I had full custody they called me. I would then call my ex. It wasn't a problem and happened infrequently but surely it would have been more efficient to call him themselves. I should say the payment was made directly to the school and did not go through me.

I'm interested in any ideas anyone might have out there about a better way to handle this issue.

Birthday party

2008-02-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

My daughter had her 'friend' birthday party this weekend. I think they all had a good time though there were many who cried including my daughter.

I invited her dad several weeks ago. At that point I wasn't sure where the party was going to be. Our daughter wanted it at the Mall of America or Chuck E. Cheeses. About two weeks ago she announced that she wanted to have it at home since she wanted to show her friends her room and toys. Whew! That announcement saved me about $100.00.

Getting back to dad...I never heard from him regarding the party. He told me he would have to let me know. Knowing him, I knew at that point he wouldn't be attending. I don't think our daughter was aware that he wasn't there or that he was invited. I don't think she cared if he came or not. This was about her friends. She had already celebrated with her dad and his family as well as a party with me and her brother so she has certainly celebrated with everyone. I could have used the help and would have appreciated it immensely. When I invited him I did say that I could use a hand with 9 children.

I'm not too surprised he didn't attend. It was on his weekend where he does not spend time with our daughter so I'm sure he had other plans. Actually it is probably better that it turned out the way it did. He was always the more strict parent and I don't think he could have handled 9 kids in one house for two hours. I would have been a wreck trying to make sure he didn't get upset. I also had help from some of the mothers so I had it under control (as much as that is possible with so many 4 and 5 year olds). Aside from the door knob incident (you can catch up here if you like) I think it went pretty well.

My ex and I have spent most Christmases together so our daughter can celebrate with both of us. We have attended funerals and other religious gatherings together. Except for this year we have always cut down a Christmas tree together. I suspect we (he and I) have probably reached that point where we will go off in different directions and probably won't do as many activities together. It may be for the best. It's got to be hard for a new significant other to see us spending family time together and not feel threatened. I'm glad we did these things together, they were never a chore but sometimes a little confusing.

Redhead Ranting

2008-02-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

Today's post can be found at Redhead Ranting. However I will be commenting on this in a different connection tomorrow. I'm too tired to post tonight which will make sense after reading the other blog. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Something is going around

2008-02-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have been sick the last couple of days. I had to spend a fair amount of time in the ER and while I was gone my son looked after my daughter. There is a ten year spread between the two so it happens every now and again that he baby sits. I am not prepared however to leave the two of them over night. I think he could take care of her just fine but there would be no one to nag him to get his homework finished or get up for school on time. He can't drive yet so he wouldn't be able to drive his sister to school and more importantly couldn't drive if he had to. Under these circumstances it seems appropriate to ask the ex to step in and take care of daughter for an extra day or two.

The ex has not been able to do this. I don't know why, he says he has other plans and can't help me out. Certainly it is his prerogative to help or not and certainly it is helping me out but it is also helping our daughter and he didn't see that. He is the only divorced dad I know who fights about having too much time with his child. We have the every other weekend arrangement. Every other guy I know who shares parenting responsibilities with an ex is fighting to see the child more often. I know he is anomaly. I know that most dads would spend more time with their kids if they were asked or allowed.

It doesn't matter as much now as the kids are older and not nearly as dependent on me but when daughter was little I couldn't afford to be sick. There wasn't time and there were too many other things to do than get better. His position was the same as it is now. He didn't want to help me out. Giving me a break would have been good for all concerned especially the baby. I am a better parent when I get a little recuperative time. He has never had daughter with him for more than a weekend at a time so doesn't see this I guess.

I find it interesting that now when ever I do get sick or throw my back out it always seems to fall on the weekend that I don't have children. The weekend I am supposed to be out being a single woman enjoying life. I end up stuck at home with soup and a blanket. When he dropped our daughter off she immediately sat down and curled up with me, which was great and made me feel better having her near, then she puked all over the couch.

I'm back

2008-02-19T18:37:00.001-08:00

Hi all. I'm back. I have been sick for the last several days. Fever and all that I assumed was flu but was in fact not. I had an abcess that was incredibly infected. Two days in the ER and finally got some relief today with a little surgery. Feeling better. Even better after a real nights rest.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T00:31:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day is fast approaching. If you are divorced and still single it can be a difficult if not depressing holiday. But it doesn't have to be. Kids have the right idea: Give a card to everyone. Well maybe not everyone but certainly you can find a handful of close friends to give a little card or thought to. This is a great time to remember your other single friends and tell them how special they are to you.

If you have kids make sure to remember them with a special card or small gift. Help them remember their other parent by helping them create something on their own. If you are feeling really ambitious and your ex has a significant other help the kids remember them too.

Whatever you do try to remember to look outward on this day rather than inward. It's very easy to sit and feel sorry for yourself. It's very easy to replay the Valentine's days with your ex and become sad about the divorce all over again. Stop it before it starts by thinking of others.

And don't forget yourself. Treat yourself to candy or flowers or go get a new haircut or buy yourself some sexy shoes. There ain't nothing that a new pair of sexy slingbacks can't make better.

Enjoy the day.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lawyers!

2008-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have not retained a lawyer since about a year after our divorce was signed and recorded. I didn't think I needed one anymore and I still don't. I often wonder as I am going through the reams of paper that my lawyer and his lawyer generated, if a lawyer was even necessary at all.

My ex left in October and I filed in January of the next year. It seemed liked forever that we were living in limbo. He wouldn't file, for reasons I don't really understand, but he wouldn't consider reconciliation either. So I decided it was time to move on and I filed. When I did I was scared to death. I had a 9 month old baby and a ten year old boy from a previous marriage. I was not working outside of the home at the time.

We needed lawyers to handle the business of separation. He was not supporting us and I had no idea how to make that happen without a lawyer. After the papers were served he retained a lawyer and there were no more pleasant conversations between us for years to come.

I would receive correspondence daily it seemed. My attorney would forward everything that she received from his attorney to me so there was usually a two or three day lag that I was behind. Upon receiving any correspondence I would immediately call my attorney at $250. /hr and ask her to explain to me what the letter was about. Usually it was incredibly inflammatory shit that made no sense whatsoever. Her response was that the letter didn't mean much of anything. But we would, of course, respond accordingly. When we asked for documents we were given a laundry list of why they were not available. We wasted the judge's time on several occasions because we never received information we had asked for. I remind you that this was at $250. /hr just on my side.

For every letter sent to me I fired one right back, again at $250. /hr. None of the bickering we did through the mail made any difference. We came to no conclusions at all. It wasn't until we got in front of the mediator that we made any headway. Once we did, the mediator ran down the hall to present it to the judge so no one could change their mind.

I feared going to the mailbox and not just because of all the unpaid bills or threatening letters from creditors. I feared another of my ex's attorney's letters. They were so brutal. His attorney was like a pit pull. He was not a family law attorney; he was a personal injury lawyer. Things went from bad to worse with every letter sent.

Ironically, everything I asked for in the original filing I received. I wasn't asking for anything that wasn't fair and the judge saw it that way. My ex still complains every now and then about the bills from his attorney. I assume he blames them on me. And I guess I blame him for mine. I just finished paying my attorney last year so I understand the desire to complain about it. Had he just accepted the terms of the divorce as I had requested when I filed we both could have saved about 20K each.

He still has an attorney though not the same one thankfully. We are working on a couple of things right now and have met with his attorney to try to settle a couple of things. It hasn't worked. When I get a letter from his attorney, or an email, they are so cold. His new lawyer is much easier to work with and much less abrasive but she is still working for him and the customer is always right. If he wants something she will try to get it for him. He is paying her after all and I am not. She represents him.

I asked if we, my ex and I, could sit down over coffee and try to figure these things out on our own. Just talk and come up with a solution. I specifically asked that we don't go through his attorney as it just makes everything cost more. Seems pretty simple to me. We aren't trying to change any custody or parenting time or anything that has to do with our child. Seems to me we should be able to work this out. His response was that he would talk to his attorney and have her draw something up. ARGHH!!!!

Still not talking

2008-02-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

My most recent ex and I are still not talking. You can read about why in an earlier post. To say that we aren't talking is of course misleading. We have to talk with regard to his parenting time. Since the episode however there has been no chatting between us. Rarely a "hello". When he dropped our daughter off last Sunday he didn't even come onto the porch. He just sort of pushed my daughter through the door. It's really very funny. And it's better than getting upset in front of our daughter but it'd be nice if we had a place between getting along great and not getting along at all. This will pass. I will send him an email in the next week or so and give in. I will let him do the work he wants on his timeframe and his way. If I don't give in this will go on for ages and I don't have the patience for that. If I don't give in it will still pass but nothing will be resolved and that was what our marriage was like. Seems to me that was one of the benefits of getting a divorce... that we could get past some things. Of course that is silly. I knew getting a divorce wouldn't change a thing with regards to how well or poorly we communicate. He thought it would make a difference but that's because I was the problem. Sorry my sarcasm is showing.

Dating 101

2008-02-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

When do you tell your ex spouse that you are seeing someone new? Do you wait until the relationship is serious or do you tell them everytime you see someone casually?

I haven't informed my ex of anyone I have dated. So far none of the relationships have been serious enough to warrant the possible backlash that I fear I might experience. He has also not told me about any women he has been seeing, I suspect for the same reason. Certainly if I were to be in a relationship where I might consider remarrying I would tell him but it seems pointless for a casual fling.

Since the kids live with me 95% of the time I don't date as much as I would like. I don't want to introduce my children to a guy who might not last so I refrain from introducing them to the person of interest. Consequently I date when my kids are with their dad. My ex and I don't have any rules for this. I can't make him not see people when our daughter is spending the weekend but I would appreciate it if he didn't. I don't grill my daughter when she gets home either. I do ask what they did and if she had a good time but I don't try and get her to divulge information that she has probably been told not to tell mommy. I think I keep potential mates from the kids for this reason. Plausible deniabilty. They can't tell if they don't know.

What if you can't get along?

2008-01-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

What if you simply can not get along with your ex but you still have to see them and communicate with them on a regular basis?

Mom's advice is still the best "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all".

Eliminate the snide comments. They really aren't helpful. If you must point out your ex's flaws and failures buy a notebook and write it in there. Your ex already knows how you feel you don't need to keep sharing it.

On the flip side try complimenting your ex. It can disarm them very effectively.

If you end up arguing or worse using abusive language or even use violent behavior then use a facility such as a Safety Center for the exchange of the children. This way you don't need to see your ex at all. Usually these places are used by people with restraining orders but they can be used by anyone as long as both parties agree. There is usually a fee involved and it isn't always in a convenient location but it can make pick ups and drop offs much more peaceful for you and your ex and especially your kids.

Where are all the single dads?

2008-01-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

I ran across this post today and he makes a good point. I started to a comment and found that I was not saying what I wanted to say the right way and was coming off as if I were patronizing him. That was not my intention. I wanted to give props but it kept coming out wrong. What I meant to say was that it seems that most men don't wear the title of single dad like the single moms do. The dads I know are just dads. They don't put emphasis on the single status that they have. I am not sure why this is. I'm thinking out loud so again I hope to try to get it right.

I'm in my forties now and grew up with mom at home while dad worked. All of my friends mom's were at home when they got home from school. The dads worked and retreated to the den or study with the paper and a drink before dinner. Dad's were not involved back then as they are today. And that is a great thing. I think of my generation as the transitional one. It was our parents who really took to divorce with abandon. If a family divorced on the block it was talked about in whispers. The mom, if she was able to stay in the neighborhood, continued to take care of the kids and the father pretty much disappeared from their lives.

Imagine having little contact with your kids while married to find that for a weekend or longer time during the summer you (dad) had to interact with your children on a 24/7 basis. I think a lot of dads fell by the wayside. So fast forward to where these children are now parents themselves, the ones who promised never to divorce and put their kids through the pain their parents did and you have this new generation of dads who want to be as active in their kids lives as possible. The gender roles in marriage are still however pretty rigid except that more women work outside the home. Guys are involved with their kids. They are much more nurturing and involved in all aspects of their kids lives.

I hate to admit it but I think there are women who are threatened by this. The men I know who are single dads seem to do it effortlessly. I know that isn't the case but women are much more likely to vent about the challenges of parenthood whether single or coupled. Men still keep their emotions to themselves and are still less likely to admit that something is challenging. Calling attention to men's marital and parenting status such as "single dad" says that the marriage didn't work. Again I am generalizing here but I don't know any man who is proud or even relatively at peace with the fact that his marriage didn't work out. Calling attention to their perceived failure is not something they are likely to do. Women on the other hand have thrown out the feeling of failure or brushed it aside and held on to the perceived strength in being a single parent. This didn't happen overnight. It took generations and lots of legislation to get rid of the shame of being a single mom but it did happen and now its just a matter of time for the dads to catch up.

So...if you know a single dad give him a high five or an atta boy just for being who he is... a great dad.

Talking Nice

2008-01-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

My ex owes a lot in back child support. For the first two years following our seperation he refused to pay any support even though the judge in our divorce determined that he would be responsible for child support. When the county finally caught up with him he had severe arrears. So much that they suspended his driver's license and he can't get a passport or take out a student loan. If he has a tax refund theoretically it is to be applied to child support. Of course he owes back taxes as well so the IRS gets the refund but I digress.

Because he owes back child support and does not want it reported on his credit report anymore, my ex and I have been trying to come up with a way to repay the debt. He does not have the cash so all he can do is give me labor. He is a contractor and I recently moved to a new (old) home that needs some repairs. We have been working on this idea for about six months. Meaning he wants a contract that states what work he will do in exchange for me removing or forgiving the arrears. We set forth a contract last November. The work has yet to begin.

There is always some excuse for why he can't get over here to fix the garage door or replace my sump pump. He has been making excuses for the last six weeks and I finally gave up. I told him that I was going to hire someone to come in and fix the problems since he was not able to do it himself. He went ballistic. Why can't I wait? Why do I need everything right now? Why am I so demanding. And those are the nicer things. So he had his attorney send me a letter asking if we could resolve this. He was now willing to start the work in two weeks. Mind you he has been laid off since before Christmas and is likely to get called back in the next month if not sooner.

I told his attorney I was not interested anymore in trying to work with him on resolving his problem. It wasn't worth the bickering to me. I don't appreciate being yelled at and I don't appreciate him yelling at me in front of our daughter.

This is not the end of this matter. Eventually he will have to do something to pay off this debt. I would prefer he just pay the amount owed but I understand that he isn't likely to have that kind of cash at any time in his life so I realize if I want to collect on this debt I will have to take what he is offering.

The thing is, he needs this more than I do. It is affecting him in ways that hurt him financially. He can't buy a house or get a credit card. He can't leave the country to go to even Canada or Mexico. So if this is so important to him why is he acting like he is doing me a favor? If you want something from someone doesn't it behoove the person to ask as nicely as possible? His attorney keeps sending me letters about what he intends to do. So far he has not intended to apologize for being such a jerk to begin with. I don't know what he is paying his attorney but it seems to me a sincere "I'm sorry" would be far more cost effective.

Gift Giving

2008-01-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

Do you purchase gifts for your ex? No? You should rethink that idea. If you have children, especially smaller ones, it is imperative that you purchase gifts for the children to give to their other parent. The gift does not have to come from you and it certainly doesn't need to be expensive but it should be done. This is important for children, they learn that A. you are getting along or at least trying to get along. B. the children learn that holidays and birthdays are about other people not just themselves and the importance of giving. As the children get older they can be reminded that the gift event is coming up and should plan accordingly. They can save their allowance or do some chores to earn money. They could even make a gift themselves.

When I was first divorced my son was not even a year old. We divorced before christmas. It was my son's first christmas. I went all out and bought everything for him I could find that was appropriate for his age. I couldn't afford it but didn't care. He actually fell asleep opening presents and I ended up saving the unopened ones for his birthday. As you can imagine there was nothing for me under the tree. Frankly, at that point I didn't think much of it. It wasn't until he was a little older when he noticed that there was never anything under the tree for mom that it started to bother me. He would ask my why Santa didn't bring anything for me. I didn't have much of an answer as I recall.

I didn't buy gifts for my ex. I should have. I don't think it was on my radar but if it was I probably reasoned that he was already remarried and was having a jolly christmas without my gift. Of course the gift wouldn't have been from me or even about me. It would have been a nice gesture on my part. The same goes for his father, my ex. He should have taken our son shopping for a present for mom. If the ex doesn't someone else in the family should.

I don't know if my parents or brother ever thought about this. It would have meant so much if one of them had taken my son out to buy a gift. Being a single mother is hard. It is a lonely job with little appreciation. I already felt pretty shitty about myself having been divorced so young but to repeatedly feel shunned at christmas or my birthday was horrible. For years I dreaded the holiday season. I never knew if I should ask my father to take this on for my son. I never did, I thought it was like begging. I had too much pride. Looking back I never expected my ex to take care of this, hell he couldn't get me a gift when we were married why expect one now that we were divorced? I did expect it of my family. They were supposed to love me. I felt as if they were punishing me for getting a divorce. I know that wasn't the case, I know now that they simply didn't think about it, but that is almost just as bad.

If you are divorced or seperated take your kid out to buy your ex spouse a gift. If you have a family member who is divorced or a single parent take the child out to shop for a gift. It will mean the world to the parent but it will make the child feel wonderful knowing he remembered his parent and learned about giving.

I still don't get gifts for christmas or my birthday. Now I buy myself something I want and take the kids out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. I get what I want and I don't have to clean it up, and I get to have a nice meal with my children. What could possibly be better? I have tried to push them in the direction of gift giving. I gave my 14 year old son money to buy presents this year for christmas. He bought his little sister a gift which I was grateful for and then he bought gifts for his friends and enjoyed the process. He still forgot mom. Maybe next year?

Divorce With Style or Take The High Road

2008-01-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

Divorce for most people is a messy, ugly affair. Navigating the seas of divorce after the legal tug-of-war has ended doesn't have to be messy or ugly. It does take work and it takes thought. If one is to have a happy divorce one must be willing to suck it up and to shut up. That doesn't mean one must curl into the fetal position and be stomped all over but it does mean that one must stop the knee jerk reactions and put some thought into actions and especially words.

This blog will try to show the way to the high road which is imperative if there are children involved. It may not be easy but it can be accomplished.