Lawyers!

I have not retained a lawyer since about a year after our divorce was signed and recorded. I didn't think I needed one anymore and I still don't. I often wonder as I am going through the reams of paper that my lawyer and his lawyer generated, if a lawyer was even necessary at all.

My ex left in October and I filed in January of the next year. It seemed liked forever that we were living in limbo. He wouldn't file, for reasons I don't really understand, but he wouldn't consider reconciliation either. So I decided it was time to move on and I filed. When I did I was scared to death. I had a 9 month old baby and a ten year old boy from a previous marriage. I was not working outside of the home at the time.

We needed lawyers to handle the business of separation. He was not supporting us and I had no idea how to make that happen without a lawyer. After the papers were served he retained a lawyer and there were no more pleasant conversations between us for years to come.

I would receive correspondence daily it seemed. My attorney would forward everything that she received from his attorney to me so there was usually a two or three day lag that I was behind. Upon receiving any correspondence I would immediately call my attorney at $250. /hr and ask her to explain to me what the letter was about. Usually it was incredibly inflammatory shit that made no sense whatsoever. Her response was that the letter didn't mean much of anything. But we would, of course, respond accordingly. When we asked for documents we were given a laundry list of why they were not available. We wasted the judge's time on several occasions because we never received information we had asked for. I remind you that this was at $250. /hr just on my side.

For every letter sent to me I fired one right back, again at $250. /hr. None of the bickering we did through the mail made any difference. We came to no conclusions at all. It wasn't until we got in front of the mediator that we made any headway. Once we did, the mediator ran down the hall to present it to the judge so no one could change their mind.

I feared going to the mailbox and not just because of all the unpaid bills or threatening letters from creditors. I feared another of my ex's attorney's letters. They were so brutal. His attorney was like a pit pull. He was not a family law attorney; he was a personal injury lawyer. Things went from bad to worse with every letter sent.

Ironically, everything I asked for in the original filing I received. I wasn't asking for anything that wasn't fair and the judge saw it that way. My ex still complains every now and then about the bills from his attorney. I assume he blames them on me. And I guess I blame him for mine. I just finished paying my attorney last year so I understand the desire to complain about it. Had he just accepted the terms of the divorce as I had requested when I filed we both could have saved about 20K each.

He still has an attorney though not the same one thankfully. We are working on a couple of things right now and have met with his attorney to try to settle a couple of things. It hasn't worked. When I get a letter from his attorney, or an email, they are so cold. His new lawyer is much easier to work with and much less abrasive but she is still working for him and the customer is always right. If he wants something she will try to get it for him. He is paying her after all and I am not. She represents him.

I asked if we, my ex and I, could sit down over coffee and try to figure these things out on our own. Just talk and come up with a solution. I specifically asked that we don't go through his attorney as it just makes everything cost more. Seems pretty simple to me. We aren't trying to change any custody or parenting time or anything that has to do with our child. Seems to me we should be able to work this out. His response was that he would talk to his attorney and have her draw something up. ARGHH!!!!

Talking Nice

My ex owes a lot in back child support. For the first two years following our seperation he refused to pay any support even though the judge in our divorce determined that he would be responsible for child support. When the county finally caught up with him he had severe arrears. So much that they suspended his driver's license and he can't get a passport or take out a student loan. If he has a tax refund theoretically it is to be applied to child support. Of course he owes back taxes as well so the IRS gets the refund but I digress.

Because he owes back child support and does not want it reported on his credit report anymore, my ex and I have been trying to come up with a way to repay the debt. He does not have the cash so all he can do is give me labor. He is a contractor and I recently moved to a new (old) home that needs some repairs. We have been working on this idea for about six months. Meaning he wants a contract that states what work he will do in exchange for me removing or forgiving the arrears. We set forth a contract last November. The work has yet to begin.

There is always some excuse for why he can't get over here to fix the garage door or replace my sump pump. He has been making excuses for the last six weeks and I finally gave up. I told him that I was going to hire someone to come in and fix the problems since he was not able to do it himself. He went ballistic. Why can't I wait? Why do I need everything right now? Why am I so demanding. And those are the nicer things. So he had his attorney send me a letter asking if we could resolve this. He was now willing to start the work in two weeks. Mind you he has been laid off since before Christmas and is likely to get called back in the next month if not sooner.

I told his attorney I was not interested anymore in trying to work with him on resolving his problem. It wasn't worth the bickering to me. I don't appreciate being yelled at and I don't appreciate him yelling at me in front of our daughter.

This is not the end of this matter. Eventually he will have to do something to pay off this debt. I would prefer he just pay the amount owed but I understand that he isn't likely to have that kind of cash at any time in his life so I realize if I want to collect on this debt I will have to take what he is offering.

The thing is, he needs this more than I do. It is affecting him in ways that hurt him financially. He can't buy a house or get a credit card. He can't leave the country to go to even Canada or Mexico. So if this is so important to him why is he acting like he is doing me a favor? If you want something from someone doesn't it behoove the person to ask as nicely as possible? His attorney keeps sending me letters about what he intends to do. So far he has not intended to apologize for being such a jerk to begin with. I don't know what he is paying his attorney but it seems to me a sincere "I'm sorry" would be far more cost effective.