Something is going around

I have been sick the last couple of days. I had to spend a fair amount of time in the ER and while I was gone my son looked after my daughter. There is a ten year spread between the two so it happens every now and again that he baby sits. I am not prepared however to leave the two of them over night. I think he could take care of her just fine but there would be no one to nag him to get his homework finished or get up for school on time. He can't drive yet so he wouldn't be able to drive his sister to school and more importantly couldn't drive if he had to. Under these circumstances it seems appropriate to ask the ex to step in and take care of daughter for an extra day or two.

The ex has not been able to do this. I don't know why, he says he has other plans and can't help me out. Certainly it is his prerogative to help or not and certainly it is helping me out but it is also helping our daughter and he didn't see that. He is the only divorced dad I know who fights about having too much time with his child. We have the every other weekend arrangement. Every other guy I know who shares parenting responsibilities with an ex is fighting to see the child more often. I know he is anomaly. I know that most dads would spend more time with their kids if they were asked or allowed.

It doesn't matter as much now as the kids are older and not nearly as dependent on me but when daughter was little I couldn't afford to be sick. There wasn't time and there were too many other things to do than get better. His position was the same as it is now. He didn't want to help me out. Giving me a break would have been good for all concerned especially the baby. I am a better parent when I get a little recuperative time. He has never had daughter with him for more than a weekend at a time so doesn't see this I guess.

I find it interesting that now when ever I do get sick or throw my back out it always seems to fall on the weekend that I don't have children. The weekend I am supposed to be out being a single woman enjoying life. I end up stuck at home with soup and a blanket. When he dropped our daughter off she immediately sat down and curled up with me, which was great and made me feel better having her near, then she puked all over the couch.

Lawyers!

I have not retained a lawyer since about a year after our divorce was signed and recorded. I didn't think I needed one anymore and I still don't. I often wonder as I am going through the reams of paper that my lawyer and his lawyer generated, if a lawyer was even necessary at all.

My ex left in October and I filed in January of the next year. It seemed liked forever that we were living in limbo. He wouldn't file, for reasons I don't really understand, but he wouldn't consider reconciliation either. So I decided it was time to move on and I filed. When I did I was scared to death. I had a 9 month old baby and a ten year old boy from a previous marriage. I was not working outside of the home at the time.

We needed lawyers to handle the business of separation. He was not supporting us and I had no idea how to make that happen without a lawyer. After the papers were served he retained a lawyer and there were no more pleasant conversations between us for years to come.

I would receive correspondence daily it seemed. My attorney would forward everything that she received from his attorney to me so there was usually a two or three day lag that I was behind. Upon receiving any correspondence I would immediately call my attorney at $250. /hr and ask her to explain to me what the letter was about. Usually it was incredibly inflammatory shit that made no sense whatsoever. Her response was that the letter didn't mean much of anything. But we would, of course, respond accordingly. When we asked for documents we were given a laundry list of why they were not available. We wasted the judge's time on several occasions because we never received information we had asked for. I remind you that this was at $250. /hr just on my side.

For every letter sent to me I fired one right back, again at $250. /hr. None of the bickering we did through the mail made any difference. We came to no conclusions at all. It wasn't until we got in front of the mediator that we made any headway. Once we did, the mediator ran down the hall to present it to the judge so no one could change their mind.

I feared going to the mailbox and not just because of all the unpaid bills or threatening letters from creditors. I feared another of my ex's attorney's letters. They were so brutal. His attorney was like a pit pull. He was not a family law attorney; he was a personal injury lawyer. Things went from bad to worse with every letter sent.

Ironically, everything I asked for in the original filing I received. I wasn't asking for anything that wasn't fair and the judge saw it that way. My ex still complains every now and then about the bills from his attorney. I assume he blames them on me. And I guess I blame him for mine. I just finished paying my attorney last year so I understand the desire to complain about it. Had he just accepted the terms of the divorce as I had requested when I filed we both could have saved about 20K each.

He still has an attorney though not the same one thankfully. We are working on a couple of things right now and have met with his attorney to try to settle a couple of things. It hasn't worked. When I get a letter from his attorney, or an email, they are so cold. His new lawyer is much easier to work with and much less abrasive but she is still working for him and the customer is always right. If he wants something she will try to get it for him. He is paying her after all and I am not. She represents him.

I asked if we, my ex and I, could sit down over coffee and try to figure these things out on our own. Just talk and come up with a solution. I specifically asked that we don't go through his attorney as it just makes everything cost more. Seems pretty simple to me. We aren't trying to change any custody or parenting time or anything that has to do with our child. Seems to me we should be able to work this out. His response was that he would talk to his attorney and have her draw something up. ARGHH!!!!

Still not talking

My most recent ex and I are still not talking. You can read about why in an earlier post. To say that we aren't talking is of course misleading. We have to talk with regard to his parenting time. Since the episode however there has been no chatting between us. Rarely a "hello". When he dropped our daughter off last Sunday he didn't even come onto the porch. He just sort of pushed my daughter through the door. It's really very funny. And it's better than getting upset in front of our daughter but it'd be nice if we had a place between getting along great and not getting along at all. This will pass. I will send him an email in the next week or so and give in. I will let him do the work he wants on his timeframe and his way. If I don't give in this will go on for ages and I don't have the patience for that. If I don't give in it will still pass but nothing will be resolved and that was what our marriage was like. Seems to me that was one of the benefits of getting a divorce... that we could get past some things. Of course that is silly. I knew getting a divorce wouldn't change a thing with regards to how well or poorly we communicate. He thought it would make a difference but that's because I was the problem. Sorry my sarcasm is showing.

What if you can't get along?

What if you simply can not get along with your ex but you still have to see them and communicate with them on a regular basis?

Mom's advice is still the best "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all".

Eliminate the snide comments. They really aren't helpful. If you must point out your ex's flaws and failures buy a notebook and write it in there. Your ex already knows how you feel you don't need to keep sharing it.

On the flip side try complimenting your ex. It can disarm them very effectively.

If you end up arguing or worse using abusive language or even use violent behavior then use a facility such as a Safety Center for the exchange of the children. This way you don't need to see your ex at all. Usually these places are used by people with restraining orders but they can be used by anyone as long as both parties agree. There is usually a fee involved and it isn't always in a convenient location but it can make pick ups and drop offs much more peaceful for you and your ex and especially your kids.

Where are all the single dads?

I ran across this post today and he makes a good point. I started to a comment and found that I was not saying what I wanted to say the right way and was coming off as if I were patronizing him. That was not my intention. I wanted to give props but it kept coming out wrong. What I meant to say was that it seems that most men don't wear the title of single dad like the single moms do. The dads I know are just dads. They don't put emphasis on the single status that they have. I am not sure why this is. I'm thinking out loud so again I hope to try to get it right.

I'm in my forties now and grew up with mom at home while dad worked. All of my friends mom's were at home when they got home from school. The dads worked and retreated to the den or study with the paper and a drink before dinner. Dad's were not involved back then as they are today. And that is a great thing. I think of my generation as the transitional one. It was our parents who really took to divorce with abandon. If a family divorced on the block it was talked about in whispers. The mom, if she was able to stay in the neighborhood, continued to take care of the kids and the father pretty much disappeared from their lives.

Imagine having little contact with your kids while married to find that for a weekend or longer time during the summer you (dad) had to interact with your children on a 24/7 basis. I think a lot of dads fell by the wayside. So fast forward to where these children are now parents themselves, the ones who promised never to divorce and put their kids through the pain their parents did and you have this new generation of dads who want to be as active in their kids lives as possible. The gender roles in marriage are still however pretty rigid except that more women work outside the home. Guys are involved with their kids. They are much more nurturing and involved in all aspects of their kids lives.

I hate to admit it but I think there are women who are threatened by this. The men I know who are single dads seem to do it effortlessly. I know that isn't the case but women are much more likely to vent about the challenges of parenthood whether single or coupled. Men still keep their emotions to themselves and are still less likely to admit that something is challenging. Calling attention to men's marital and parenting status such as "single dad" says that the marriage didn't work. Again I am generalizing here but I don't know any man who is proud or even relatively at peace with the fact that his marriage didn't work out. Calling attention to their perceived failure is not something they are likely to do. Women on the other hand have thrown out the feeling of failure or brushed it aside and held on to the perceived strength in being a single parent. This didn't happen overnight. It took generations and lots of legislation to get rid of the shame of being a single mom but it did happen and now its just a matter of time for the dads to catch up.

So...if you know a single dad give him a high five or an atta boy just for being who he is... a great dad.

Talking Nice

My ex owes a lot in back child support. For the first two years following our seperation he refused to pay any support even though the judge in our divorce determined that he would be responsible for child support. When the county finally caught up with him he had severe arrears. So much that they suspended his driver's license and he can't get a passport or take out a student loan. If he has a tax refund theoretically it is to be applied to child support. Of course he owes back taxes as well so the IRS gets the refund but I digress.

Because he owes back child support and does not want it reported on his credit report anymore, my ex and I have been trying to come up with a way to repay the debt. He does not have the cash so all he can do is give me labor. He is a contractor and I recently moved to a new (old) home that needs some repairs. We have been working on this idea for about six months. Meaning he wants a contract that states what work he will do in exchange for me removing or forgiving the arrears. We set forth a contract last November. The work has yet to begin.

There is always some excuse for why he can't get over here to fix the garage door or replace my sump pump. He has been making excuses for the last six weeks and I finally gave up. I told him that I was going to hire someone to come in and fix the problems since he was not able to do it himself. He went ballistic. Why can't I wait? Why do I need everything right now? Why am I so demanding. And those are the nicer things. So he had his attorney send me a letter asking if we could resolve this. He was now willing to start the work in two weeks. Mind you he has been laid off since before Christmas and is likely to get called back in the next month if not sooner.

I told his attorney I was not interested anymore in trying to work with him on resolving his problem. It wasn't worth the bickering to me. I don't appreciate being yelled at and I don't appreciate him yelling at me in front of our daughter.

This is not the end of this matter. Eventually he will have to do something to pay off this debt. I would prefer he just pay the amount owed but I understand that he isn't likely to have that kind of cash at any time in his life so I realize if I want to collect on this debt I will have to take what he is offering.

The thing is, he needs this more than I do. It is affecting him in ways that hurt him financially. He can't buy a house or get a credit card. He can't leave the country to go to even Canada or Mexico. So if this is so important to him why is he acting like he is doing me a favor? If you want something from someone doesn't it behoove the person to ask as nicely as possible? His attorney keeps sending me letters about what he intends to do. So far he has not intended to apologize for being such a jerk to begin with. I don't know what he is paying his attorney but it seems to me a sincere "I'm sorry" would be far more cost effective.

Divorce With Style or Take The High Road

Divorce for most people is a messy, ugly affair. Navigating the seas of divorce after the legal tug-of-war has ended doesn't have to be messy or ugly. It does take work and it takes thought. If one is to have a happy divorce one must be willing to suck it up and to shut up. That doesn't mean one must curl into the fetal position and be stomped all over but it does mean that one must stop the knee jerk reactions and put some thought into actions and especially words.

This blog will try to show the way to the high road which is imperative if there are children involved. It may not be easy but it can be accomplished.