Dating 101

When do you tell your ex spouse that you are seeing someone new? Do you wait until the relationship is serious or do you tell them everytime you see someone casually?

I haven't informed my ex of anyone I have dated. So far none of the relationships have been serious enough to warrant the possible backlash that I fear I might experience. He has also not told me about any women he has been seeing, I suspect for the same reason. Certainly if I were to be in a relationship where I might consider remarrying I would tell him but it seems pointless for a casual fling.

Since the kids live with me 95% of the time I don't date as much as I would like. I don't want to introduce my children to a guy who might not last so I refrain from introducing them to the person of interest. Consequently I date when my kids are with their dad. My ex and I don't have any rules for this. I can't make him not see people when our daughter is spending the weekend but I would appreciate it if he didn't. I don't grill my daughter when she gets home either. I do ask what they did and if she had a good time but I don't try and get her to divulge information that she has probably been told not to tell mommy. I think I keep potential mates from the kids for this reason. Plausible deniabilty. They can't tell if they don't know.

What if you can't get along?

What if you simply can not get along with your ex but you still have to see them and communicate with them on a regular basis?

Mom's advice is still the best "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all".

Eliminate the snide comments. They really aren't helpful. If you must point out your ex's flaws and failures buy a notebook and write it in there. Your ex already knows how you feel you don't need to keep sharing it.

On the flip side try complimenting your ex. It can disarm them very effectively.

If you end up arguing or worse using abusive language or even use violent behavior then use a facility such as a Safety Center for the exchange of the children. This way you don't need to see your ex at all. Usually these places are used by people with restraining orders but they can be used by anyone as long as both parties agree. There is usually a fee involved and it isn't always in a convenient location but it can make pick ups and drop offs much more peaceful for you and your ex and especially your kids.

Where are all the single dads?

I ran across this post today and he makes a good point. I started to a comment and found that I was not saying what I wanted to say the right way and was coming off as if I were patronizing him. That was not my intention. I wanted to give props but it kept coming out wrong. What I meant to say was that it seems that most men don't wear the title of single dad like the single moms do. The dads I know are just dads. They don't put emphasis on the single status that they have. I am not sure why this is. I'm thinking out loud so again I hope to try to get it right.

I'm in my forties now and grew up with mom at home while dad worked. All of my friends mom's were at home when they got home from school. The dads worked and retreated to the den or study with the paper and a drink before dinner. Dad's were not involved back then as they are today. And that is a great thing. I think of my generation as the transitional one. It was our parents who really took to divorce with abandon. If a family divorced on the block it was talked about in whispers. The mom, if she was able to stay in the neighborhood, continued to take care of the kids and the father pretty much disappeared from their lives.

Imagine having little contact with your kids while married to find that for a weekend or longer time during the summer you (dad) had to interact with your children on a 24/7 basis. I think a lot of dads fell by the wayside. So fast forward to where these children are now parents themselves, the ones who promised never to divorce and put their kids through the pain their parents did and you have this new generation of dads who want to be as active in their kids lives as possible. The gender roles in marriage are still however pretty rigid except that more women work outside the home. Guys are involved with their kids. They are much more nurturing and involved in all aspects of their kids lives.

I hate to admit it but I think there are women who are threatened by this. The men I know who are single dads seem to do it effortlessly. I know that isn't the case but women are much more likely to vent about the challenges of parenthood whether single or coupled. Men still keep their emotions to themselves and are still less likely to admit that something is challenging. Calling attention to men's marital and parenting status such as "single dad" says that the marriage didn't work. Again I am generalizing here but I don't know any man who is proud or even relatively at peace with the fact that his marriage didn't work out. Calling attention to their perceived failure is not something they are likely to do. Women on the other hand have thrown out the feeling of failure or brushed it aside and held on to the perceived strength in being a single parent. This didn't happen overnight. It took generations and lots of legislation to get rid of the shame of being a single mom but it did happen and now its just a matter of time for the dads to catch up.

So...if you know a single dad give him a high five or an atta boy just for being who he is... a great dad.